Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
