i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
