Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My dick has a subreddit
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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