Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
