Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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