you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
