that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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