Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
