I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
