I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
