final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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