i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
