im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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