you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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