Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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