i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
