we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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