fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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