Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
