Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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