I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
