loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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