As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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