Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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