omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
