Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
