I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
