Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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