I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
