Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
