I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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