Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
