i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
