ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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