I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
