He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
