im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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