like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
