Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
