there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm too high and old for this...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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