trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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