I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
