either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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