It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
