I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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