you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
