Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
