Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
