If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
