I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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